Change Your Mind

The start of anything in your life is usually ushered in by changes. A change of scenery, perspective, friends, lovers, a change of course from where you thought you were heading. I think it is all too easy to designate a person, a muse rather, with this new take on life when in fact they are just around in the midst of your personal evolution and we subconsciously attach them to a wonderful feeling of endorphins and control over our lives.

Your old muse fades with every new beginning, it may be the case that they change but if so they are changing with you. Nothing supersedes the fact that you are in a constant state of change, so much that even inaction and the choice to remain in the same circumstances will change you and continue to persuade your thoughts. It's almost funny to recount how paralyzed I have been over the past year. Persuaded into believing a certain way of life was more elusive than I had previously given it merit. Do not give up the things that make you happy in order to keep the order. For every excuse there is a counter excuse and more than likely it's the exact same argument - "If you never try then you'll never know..." what happens once you try and wish you had never known that alternative? The world is filled with lucrative hooks and lures that blind us with our own indiscretions and after wards we wonder how we continued along with such destructive and belittling behavior like we didn't see it coming, like we didn't realize what we were doing every time (all along).

No one wants to feel devalued. No one wants to feel the strain of wanting somebody's praise or approval but we do, it's only human. Powerlessness is truly the worst feeling to ever have, it's the root of all the terrible things in life - having no control over a situation, but worse because it's your situation. You can't change how other people behave if they are set on acting that way. You can't change someone else's past - you just have to deal with it. And you have to decide if you want to deal with it. There is no set of instructions to follow and nothing is a sure thing in this world. You're guaranteed to change your mind so don't fail victim to your own prejudice.

Isn't It Ironic

I like to think I'm a trusting person, but I get played and end up a skeptic. I thought I was a loving person, but when it counts I can't allow myself to love. I love to give to others, but I'm hesitant to receive because I don't want people to think I'm using them. I am a realist, a realist that always holds onto hope for unrealistic possibilities. I try so hard to guard myself from being hurt, but I always end up completely vulnerable on purpose. I think I know what I want in life, but my life never turns out how I plan and surprisingly enough it's exactly what I want. I like to think I drive at a decent pace, but I constantly find myself angrily stuck behind a slow truck covered in Nascar memorabilia. It takes me an eternity to finish eating fast food. I admire the works and philosophy of Nicoli Machiavelli but I despise the people who live their lives in accordance to it. I say I want things I don't want at all. 'Happiness dwells in the soul' and I can't grasp the concept of a soul. I believe the same promises made by the same people who broke them the first time around, and am surprised when the same thing happens to me over and over again. I am terrified of danger, which is exactly why I seek it out. I believe in the power of thought (mind over matter) and over the last 10 years I've believed in the overwhelming precence of irony... self fulfilling prophecy much? I'm intrensically no good, but atleast I'm honest about it. Holding onto something only causes you to lose it all. I have never been able to avoid anything. Forever is always shorter than you think.

Countdown to Tomorrow

I've learned a lot of lessons in my life through my mistakes. In the same manner the greater the mistake, the harder the fall, and the greater the recovery. Regardless of every mistake I've made in life I have never ended up regretting the way things ended up as a result. I am like a morphed version of my former self with a couple more notches in my belt. It's funny how you picture yourself when you are young compared to the reality of how you end up. I would have never imagined myself as I am now even a year ago, but somehow I'm eerily o.k. with it. There was a point in my life when I didn't know who I was and as a result bent over backwards to be the person I thought everyone else wanted. Thank God I woke up and did what was best for me. You can't please everyone, and no matter how hard you may try sometimes nothing will be good enough, but you can't let that frustrate you, that's just life. Some times its the hardest choices that are the right choices... making them is the tricky part. Why is it so hard to let go of something when you know it's broken? Sometimes I feel like I have to flat out coerce myself into believing the truth and even then I don't allow myself to believe it. My theory is that the "selling point" depends on the level of invested interest- the whole committed persona. I don't know why I never thought about this before but it fits: you are never pot committed. To some of my more skeptical friends this is what I mean when I say 'life is a game'. Even basic poker strategies turn out to be useful beyond the chip count.
Despite the down turns in life I feel like there is so much to look forward to so I can't stay sad, I think this has developed as a defense mechanism... I am evolving into an optimist or possibly I am content with who I am in the midst of the criticism. Irregardless of this development I am willing, yes willing. The vagueness fits this moment, that's not writers block. This is going to be a wonderful Summer. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Unconventional Wisdom

In all the ages past the rules of engagement were simple. Man impress woman, kill beast with big rock. Woman swoons, man grunts, tribal dance ensues, make boom boom, the end. Slowly evolving to the age of courtships, arranged marriages.. etc. With the advent of the 20th Century and the great wars us women became enlightened. Suddenly, we realize we can have a life outside of the role of birthing babies and vacuuming. A spark goes off in our mind. Not only do we reevaluate our equality within society but within our relationships. For example, why do we have to be the ones to follow our men around the world to tend to their business, why not the opposite? Power struggles ignite across the world as the social norm changes. And in the wake of this unnerving deviant behavior us ladies, who most definitely enjoy the power and freedom, must find a middle ground in order to maintain a relationship, if we so choose to have one.

So now here I find myself in turbulent times in the complex battle fields of the sexes. (I choose to unlatch my tongue from my teeth hence further for literary clarity.) I would like to know why men assume it is unnatural for a woman to think about marriage when they are in a relationship with them. Come on now boys, this isn't a trick question. It also should not be mistaken that this fact means every girlfriend wants to actually marry you (any time soon, or ever). Every girl since they are consciously aware of society knows the story: girl meets guy, fall madly in love, get married, live happily ever after in the suburbs with a dog and 2.5 kids. This is what we are programmed to want, this is what we always knew we wanted... right? No, this isn't always the case. Us 21st Century gals don't know what the fuck we want. We have an identity crisis every 6 months. We will legitimately want to be a super soccer mom, then want to have a kick ass career and no kids in the same year. We are not all clingy bitches vying for your sperm to lock you down into being "steady".

I digress. Men and women need different things. Men need food and space. Women need hugs and conversation. We all need boom boom. The trick is balancing the needs. Most fights happen over miscommunication regarding basic needs for both genders. I suggest heavy study into the mysterious world of the opposite sex to help you better understand your bf/gf and improve your relationship skills. Sure I simplified this but you get the gist. My beef is with the fights... girls we all know we hate being in fights all we want are our men to make some grand gesture of apology and sweep us off our feet, kiss us and make everything better. Not reality. Because while we are playing this romantic scene over and over again in our head while sitting around for him to come to us all he is thinking is.. "Ugh I do not want to think about _____ so I wont." And he honest to God will not think about you for 3-4 days. This is mans way of getting over things. Mean while us woman are sitting at home depressed us fuck that our boyfriends can really be such assholes and not care. Its a frustrating cycle, with no cure insight. That wasn't suppose to be a downer just an alert to any one who didn't already know that. Like me before I learned the hard way oh so many times.

I don't pretend to speak for other women, but I know there are others out their like me and well we just don't feel up to the charade anymore. No games, no hidden agenda. Take my word for what it is, the truth. I just want to have fun, laugh, make money, drop money like its no ones business, and love with a passion that isn't tainted with underlying suspicions of cohersion into long term relationships. AKA really amazing partnerships with minimal strings attached. I'm 19 not 31. Let the good times roll!

Double Standard Much?

I was taken aback by yesterday's blunderous display as President Obama and Justice Roberts administered the oath of office. My initial reaction was "Aww poor guy, biggest moment of his career, botched!" Then of course as I had more time to ponder this mishap and giggled at the sentiment that he could memorize a 20 minute speech yet over look the 20 second Presidential Oath (that he only needed to repeat). As the day progressed and more political pundants and analysts offered their take on the days activities, I was surprised to notice the silence surrounding the swearing in of our new President. Destitute of the juicy political retribution from the last 8 years watching clips of President Bush misspeak I waited patiently for the late night TV hosts to deliver my much anticipated dose of comic relief. Still, nothing. I mean given the media's intense obsession with making former President W. Bush look as stupid as possible for kicks and giggles I figure the same fair and equal treatment would be levied upon Obama... oh wait did I just say I assumed the media would be equal opportunists? Haha silly me, us Republicans never learn.

Is this seriously not worthy of 'The Daily Show'? Give me a break. - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKsL-j7-9No

Lost Thoughts

It all starts so innocently then it hits you like a sneaky little booger. A feeling that paralyzes you to the core. A moment that leaves you afraid to move, to breathe, to blink because you might miss something. Oh, I wake up for those moments. It makes life valuable, vulnerable, absolutely wonderful. Everything looks better and feels better, it tastes better! If I could take you away I would show you what I mean, but I have a feeling you already know. Now when everybody thinks they know what's best for me, I turn to one place. I confide in you. All I ever wanted was a little peace of mind, best believe I have the time. I want to be in love forreal.

Epic Floundering

I believe this is unclear, let me inform you dear.
So you love me, head's in the sky?
Imagine my confusion to sense your fear.
Is it real or are you just too shy?
Last time I checked I'm still standing here.
Cowering against my last bit of free will.
Cutting ties and living lies,
all for the comfort of a moment you can later despise.
Am I really all you need?
Because for an instant you hesitated.
You think I will stand by and be desecrated?
Turns out my feelings are too strong to be ignored.
Like the tired rantings of the feeble minded.
I wonder if you hear anything I say.
I'm hardly around, figured you'd pay attention today.
Are the signs really that convoluted?
Even if they were diluted they'd stay polluted.
I'm grasping on so tight, while everything slips away.
You can take my heart but never my tongue.
Everything is wrong. Everything is right?
Will the turmoil put me to sleep tonight?
So look at me, still waiting around.
While this fortress I've built is falling down.
Look at me so patient, so preen.
The ambivalence makes me want to scream.
I don't want to hear you love me.
Not your silent darling,
Still waiting for a symptom.
I heard you clearly.
It permeates in my mind.
It's a cruel joke to think you can change time.
Where is this going?
Thought I knew once but I don't anymore.
I hope you find what you're looking for.