Isn't It Ironic

I like to think I'm a trusting person, but I get played and end up a skeptic. I thought I was a loving person, but when it counts I can't allow myself to love. I love to give to others, but I'm hesitant to receive because I don't want people to think I'm using them. I am a realist, a realist that always holds onto hope for unrealistic possibilities. I try so hard to guard myself from being hurt, but I always end up completely vulnerable on purpose. I think I know what I want in life, but my life never turns out how I plan and surprisingly enough it's exactly what I want. I like to think I drive at a decent pace, but I constantly find myself angrily stuck behind a slow truck covered in Nascar memorabilia. It takes me an eternity to finish eating fast food. I admire the works and philosophy of Nicoli Machiavelli but I despise the people who live their lives in accordance to it. I say I want things I don't want at all. 'Happiness dwells in the soul' and I can't grasp the concept of a soul. I believe the same promises made by the same people who broke them the first time around, and am surprised when the same thing happens to me over and over again. I am terrified of danger, which is exactly why I seek it out. I believe in the power of thought (mind over matter) and over the last 10 years I've believed in the overwhelming precence of irony... self fulfilling prophecy much? I'm intrensically no good, but atleast I'm honest about it. Holding onto something only causes you to lose it all. I have never been able to avoid anything. Forever is always shorter than you think.

Countdown to Tomorrow

I've learned a lot of lessons in my life through my mistakes. In the same manner the greater the mistake, the harder the fall, and the greater the recovery. Regardless of every mistake I've made in life I have never ended up regretting the way things ended up as a result. I am like a morphed version of my former self with a couple more notches in my belt. It's funny how you picture yourself when you are young compared to the reality of how you end up. I would have never imagined myself as I am now even a year ago, but somehow I'm eerily o.k. with it. There was a point in my life when I didn't know who I was and as a result bent over backwards to be the person I thought everyone else wanted. Thank God I woke up and did what was best for me. You can't please everyone, and no matter how hard you may try sometimes nothing will be good enough, but you can't let that frustrate you, that's just life. Some times its the hardest choices that are the right choices... making them is the tricky part. Why is it so hard to let go of something when you know it's broken? Sometimes I feel like I have to flat out coerce myself into believing the truth and even then I don't allow myself to believe it. My theory is that the "selling point" depends on the level of invested interest- the whole committed persona. I don't know why I never thought about this before but it fits: you are never pot committed. To some of my more skeptical friends this is what I mean when I say 'life is a game'. Even basic poker strategies turn out to be useful beyond the chip count.
Despite the down turns in life I feel like there is so much to look forward to so I can't stay sad, I think this has developed as a defense mechanism... I am evolving into an optimist or possibly I am content with who I am in the midst of the criticism. Irregardless of this development I am willing, yes willing. The vagueness fits this moment, that's not writers block. This is going to be a wonderful Summer. I can't wait until tomorrow.