When You Know, You Just Know.

Don't ignore the tickle in the back of your throat, the stomach knots, and the flash of fear pulsing through your nerve endings. They tell you all you need to know before you spend the your entire night tossing and turning for an answer. There's a science to this - I'm convinced. Science just hasn't been able to explain how yet.

Just humor me for a second - when has that 6th sense ever failed you? It's never failed me. Sometimes I think it does. Sometimes I think I've made the wrong decision, but time always reassures me that it was the right choice  in the end. We have a choice in life to be one of two types of people: stuck or free. That sounds really rough, and perhaps there is a less harsh way of describing that, but that's what I widdled it down to. And the hardest part about differentiating between the two is that you can't always. It's insane that even right now in my present state I may not be able to tell the difference between when something is holding me back or when I'm doing it to myself. Listen to your gut.

You know that feeling like you've been punched or you want to throw up by just imagining a scenario? There's a lot that can be said for raw emotion, but even then it's not the same as the flash of fear - like when it comes down to the buzzer. Someone once shared a picture with me of a coin being tossed into the air. The caption read:

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. 

It works not because it settles the question for you, 

but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, 

you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

It may seem simplistic but ever since I pictured that in my head that's how I make decisions. Because deep down we know how awful it would be to be stuck with the second best option. To be stuck wondering, "What could have been"? I'd rather be free to make my own mistakes than live out someone else's on my behalf. 

All nausea and heart wrenching pain aside - there's no substitute for the adrenaline, the euphoria, of following your instincts and breaking free. No more wishes. You control your own destiny... just like you control the coin toss. 

Polluting Thoughts

Every so often my life comes to a crashing halt when I realize my life isn't at all how I intended it to be. This is not some cliché note about a petty realization that my life sucks or anything, what I mean is the direction I find myself moving in isn't where I want to go. It's incredible the change that everyday decisions can make in how your life plays out. Now, I sit anxiously in my tiny dorm room waiting for some revelation to come to me. Like somehow if I pray hard enough God's going to just give me a play by play of what I need to do. As if my "religion" can simply be turned on and off based on when I need some answers beyond the realm of my human grasp. I feel so uneasy at the notion I treat God as if he's my supernatural encyclopedia on standby. And while it's completely normal to be confused about that sort of stuff during this time of my life (or so they tell me) it still makes me feel awful for having doubt in the first place. But, I choose not to focus on that grey area of my life at this moment; Instead, I opt for a more simple approach: logic. Because nothing show's a greater leap of faith than to base my life's decisions off my extensive understanding of how the world works and why (sarcasm for those who didn't catch it).
As I age, I come to understand that the rules that everyone are meant to play by are subjective, they change and can be broken. That opens up countless opportunities in ways of navigating through those critical moments that come to define who you are and what you become. These are the same moments that you look back on and either admire or regret the rest of your life. Personally I have always chosen a more optimist approach by not regretting my decisions but rather learning from my mistakes. I've grown fond of a little saying,"The only things I've ever regretted involved food," and that's true for the most part. I hold onto the idea that it's never over or too late to fix something until you die, ultimately. And I'm still breathing so I figure I must be around for some reason.
I digress, sometimes I analyze situations with such intensity that it grows to something so much bigger than my scope. Sometimes I get so lost in my own thoughts and observations that I lose sight of what I was even trying to figure out in the first place. Have you ever studied your surroundings to find that you can no longer decipher between good and evil? -That's an incredibly scary conclusion and I wonder if thereisn’t something more to it all. And I hate that no matter how close I get to someone I can't let my guard down because, I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just be myself around people I love; there is always something more I hold back. I hate that I've never connected with anyone the way I would like. Something is always missing. Whether it's their disinterest in something that brings me joy and keep me from sharing something that is so crucial to who I am, belittling my passions, ignoring my requests, and not being able to tell when I’m hurt and letting me walk away. I long for someone who can get inside my brain. To find someone who would take the time to figure out how to make me tick. I need a challenge; I need someone to call me on my bs, someone I can sit and talk with for hours and never run out of things to say. I'm not pressed for friends who can keep me entertained, that's for sure. It's just that feeling you get when you're surrounded by people who are captivated by you, whether it's what I'm saying or maybe even just my laugh... every once in a while you find yourself in this mini-moment when you look at someone looking back at you and you know 'they really care about me'. Those moments are too far spaced apart.
Sometimes I wonder if anything can ever last forever. Everything ends, everything; so why start? - If failure or death is the only outcome. Easy, you have no choice to avoid it because everything is a freakin decision. Life would be so much easier if people put in the effort to get to know other people. I go out of my way for others, sometimes I feel it's a waste of my time though, especially when it isn't appreciated or even noticed. I beat my brains out for you people sometimes, trying to get the slightest reaction from you. I'm a tough person but that doesn't mean I don't feel, I may look perfectly fine but feel nothing on the inside. Truth is I’m uniquely dynamic... I am very sympathetic and at the same time completely ruthless towards people. Manipulative yet humble and yes that is possible. I just can't seem to find someone that understands those quirky characteristics about me and embrace it- not antagonize me. I have so much to say but no one to talk to. And as for this constant ringing in my ear of reminders that I'm not perfect from other imperfect people, you should know your words are hollow. I can't be the version of the person you think I am anymore because you'll always be disappointed because it isn't me, not fully and I can't apologize for that. I want a refreshing new perspective on life and I can't afford to be held back by the past. The only way to clear my head is to move forward.

This may seem random but it has influenced me greatly in the past week; “Here is Gone” by the Goo Goo Dolls. A close friend said it best, “There is always that song that represents a specific time in your life”. Well this is that song for the present. It’s so dead on to every thought in my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eahM-AtpBQI