Hey 2013, Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out!

Christmas time and New Years really does bring out the best and worst in me.  I am very optimistic for the future, excited to spend time with my family and friends, proud of the achievements I made over the past year, and hypercritical of all of my mistakes. 

I have barely blogged this year.  My #1 regret.  I can only describe this year as full of highs and lows (and I have a blog archive full of unpublished posts to prove it.)  I didn't share anything because was scared of coming off too proud/angry.  I held a lot in and lost perspective on what was going on around me.  I was a pressure cooker.  For example, I wrote:

I think it's really easy to drop the line "Man this city really makes you cynical" or "Damn, this work really does drive you to drinking."  It's easy because it's the obvious thing to say -- it's right there in front of you every day.  How grown up am I?  I have other grown up cynical friends that are also boring, have drinking problems and prescriptions to performance enhancing drugs.  What am I doing with my life?  Working at a dead-end job and feeling handcuffed to it until then next election cycle for fear of looking too "Millennial" on my resume. 

If there is one thing I hate more than generalizations it is stereotypes. And, unfortunately, I couldn't escape either this year.  I decided that I needed an intervention after self diagnosing myself as a stick-in-the-mud.  Somewhere in the last year I forgot to breathe and just look around -- not critically, but as an observer (I'm really good at the former, I've discovered).

I have spent the good part of the last year complaining and finding faults in everyone around me.  It certainly didn't help that it all started with a crushing defeat in the '12 cycle.  I think I went into 2013 thinking, "Everything is going to shit, but hey at least I'm one of the lucky ones that got a job."  Screaming endorsement for a successful year.  As we all know, the rush to bag a job post-Election Day usually never pans out for the long term.  But, by holding it in I never got the chance to hear how everyone else felt about their job.  Clarification: I never took the time to listen.  Turns out, I wasn't the only one - not by a long shot.

The day after my 24th birthday everything changed and I realized that I was living with a bag over my head.  That was when I started changing things up.  I ruffled a lot of feathers because I fell out of line.  I had my very first DC power scuffle!  I was so upset that I had to cut ties with someone I had once held in high regard.  What would people think of me?  What would people say about me?  Turns out no one was talking at all - funny how that happens.

Now I find myself 11 days out from the start of 2014 and I couldn't be more excited for the year ahead.  Through the ups and downs, I'm walking away from 2013 with several new battle scars and a lot to be thankful for.  I have a new job on a great tech team full of talented individuals and our plans for next year make me do a little happy dance.  So many friends got married this year and welcomed new babies into the world and even more are prepping for the same this coming year!  You are the ones that helped me put everything into perspective the most, so let me close by saying thank you.

My top four life lesson learned from 2013: 

1.  Surrounding yourself with the wrong sorts of people is more harmful than knowing good people is helpful. The negativity, drama, and tumult they bring to your life wastes time and distracts you from focusing on yourself and the things and people that actually matter. 

2.  Not all friends are created equal, and not all of them stand the test of time.  And that is ok.  As I get older, my perspective on life changes, the things I value and appreciate morph.  And, I'm not the only one!  This happens to everyone.  And sometimes where I change, so does a friend, but in a different direction.  You don't need to chase everyone down their own path. 

3.  Don't compare your life with the lives of your friends as depicted on social media.  Some of the saddest people I know in real life look to have the most exciting lives on Facebook and Instagram.  Filters and selective sharing will do that - it's called building a personal brand, people.  Enjoy your life for everything it is that can't be captured in 140 characters.  (But, still be happy for all of your friends' successes)

4.  Don't be fearful of threats.  Those who threaten you are the ones who stand to lose the most.  Stick to your principles and trust your gut.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!  Thank you for being a wonderful part of my life!

-Sarah

Polluting Thoughts

Every so often my life comes to a crashing halt when I realize my life isn't at all how I intended it to be. This is not some cliché note about a petty realization that my life sucks or anything, what I mean is the direction I find myself moving in isn't where I want to go. It's incredible the change that everyday decisions can make in how your life plays out. Now, I sit anxiously in my tiny dorm room waiting for some revelation to come to me. Like somehow if I pray hard enough God's going to just give me a play by play of what I need to do. As if my "religion" can simply be turned on and off based on when I need some answers beyond the realm of my human grasp. I feel so uneasy at the notion I treat God as if he's my supernatural encyclopedia on standby. And while it's completely normal to be confused about that sort of stuff during this time of my life (or so they tell me) it still makes me feel awful for having doubt in the first place. But, I choose not to focus on that grey area of my life at this moment; Instead, I opt for a more simple approach: logic. Because nothing show's a greater leap of faith than to base my life's decisions off my extensive understanding of how the world works and why (sarcasm for those who didn't catch it).
As I age, I come to understand that the rules that everyone are meant to play by are subjective, they change and can be broken. That opens up countless opportunities in ways of navigating through those critical moments that come to define who you are and what you become. These are the same moments that you look back on and either admire or regret the rest of your life. Personally I have always chosen a more optimist approach by not regretting my decisions but rather learning from my mistakes. I've grown fond of a little saying,"The only things I've ever regretted involved food," and that's true for the most part. I hold onto the idea that it's never over or too late to fix something until you die, ultimately. And I'm still breathing so I figure I must be around for some reason.
I digress, sometimes I analyze situations with such intensity that it grows to something so much bigger than my scope. Sometimes I get so lost in my own thoughts and observations that I lose sight of what I was even trying to figure out in the first place. Have you ever studied your surroundings to find that you can no longer decipher between good and evil? -That's an incredibly scary conclusion and I wonder if thereisn’t something more to it all. And I hate that no matter how close I get to someone I can't let my guard down because, I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just be myself around people I love; there is always something more I hold back. I hate that I've never connected with anyone the way I would like. Something is always missing. Whether it's their disinterest in something that brings me joy and keep me from sharing something that is so crucial to who I am, belittling my passions, ignoring my requests, and not being able to tell when I’m hurt and letting me walk away. I long for someone who can get inside my brain. To find someone who would take the time to figure out how to make me tick. I need a challenge; I need someone to call me on my bs, someone I can sit and talk with for hours and never run out of things to say. I'm not pressed for friends who can keep me entertained, that's for sure. It's just that feeling you get when you're surrounded by people who are captivated by you, whether it's what I'm saying or maybe even just my laugh... every once in a while you find yourself in this mini-moment when you look at someone looking back at you and you know 'they really care about me'. Those moments are too far spaced apart.
Sometimes I wonder if anything can ever last forever. Everything ends, everything; so why start? - If failure or death is the only outcome. Easy, you have no choice to avoid it because everything is a freakin decision. Life would be so much easier if people put in the effort to get to know other people. I go out of my way for others, sometimes I feel it's a waste of my time though, especially when it isn't appreciated or even noticed. I beat my brains out for you people sometimes, trying to get the slightest reaction from you. I'm a tough person but that doesn't mean I don't feel, I may look perfectly fine but feel nothing on the inside. Truth is I’m uniquely dynamic... I am very sympathetic and at the same time completely ruthless towards people. Manipulative yet humble and yes that is possible. I just can't seem to find someone that understands those quirky characteristics about me and embrace it- not antagonize me. I have so much to say but no one to talk to. And as for this constant ringing in my ear of reminders that I'm not perfect from other imperfect people, you should know your words are hollow. I can't be the version of the person you think I am anymore because you'll always be disappointed because it isn't me, not fully and I can't apologize for that. I want a refreshing new perspective on life and I can't afford to be held back by the past. The only way to clear my head is to move forward.

This may seem random but it has influenced me greatly in the past week; “Here is Gone” by the Goo Goo Dolls. A close friend said it best, “There is always that song that represents a specific time in your life”. Well this is that song for the present. It’s so dead on to every thought in my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eahM-AtpBQI