Every so often my life comes to a crashing halt when I realize my life isn't at all how I intended it to be. This is not some cliché note about a petty realization that my life sucks or anything, what I mean is the direction I find myself moving in isn't where I want to go. It's incredible the change that everyday decisions can make in how your life plays out. Now, I sit anxiously in my tiny dorm room waiting for some revelation to come to me. Like somehow if I pray hard enough God's going to just give me a play by play of what I need to do. As if my "religion" can simply be turned on and off based on when I need some answers beyond the realm of my human grasp. I feel so uneasy at the notion I treat God as if he's my supernatural encyclopedia on standby. And while it's completely normal to be confused about that sort of stuff during this time of my life (or so they tell me) it still makes me feel awful for having doubt in the first place. But, I choose not to focus on that grey area of my life at this moment; Instead, I opt for a more simple approach: logic. Because nothing show's a greater leap of faith than to base my life's decisions off my extensive understanding of how the world works and why (sarcasm for those who didn't catch it).
As I age, I come to understand that the rules that everyone are meant to play by are subjective, they change and can be broken. That opens up countless opportunities in ways of navigating through those critical moments that come to define who you are and what you become. These are the same moments that you look back on and either admire or regret the rest of your life. Personally I have always chosen a more optimist approach by not regretting my decisions but rather learning from my mistakes. I've grown fond of a little saying,"The only things I've ever regretted involved food," and that's true for the most part. I hold onto the idea that it's never over or too late to fix something until you die, ultimately. And I'm still breathing so I figure I must be around for some reason.
I digress, sometimes I analyze situations with such intensity that it grows to something so much bigger than my scope. Sometimes I get so lost in my own thoughts and observations that I lose sight of what I was even trying to figure out in the first place. Have you ever studied your surroundings to find that you can no longer decipher between good and evil? -That's an incredibly scary conclusion and I wonder if thereisn’t something more to it all. And I hate that no matter how close I get to someone I can't let my guard down because, I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just be myself around people I love; there is always something more I hold back. I hate that I've never connected with anyone the way I would like. Something is always missing. Whether it's their disinterest in something that brings me joy and keep me from sharing something that is so crucial to who I am, belittling my passions, ignoring my requests, and not being able to tell when I’m hurt and letting me walk away. I long for someone who can get inside my brain. To find someone who would take the time to figure out how to make me tick. I need a challenge; I need someone to call me on my bs, someone I can sit and talk with for hours and never run out of things to say. I'm not pressed for friends who can keep me entertained, that's for sure. It's just that feeling you get when you're surrounded by people who are captivated by you, whether it's what I'm saying or maybe even just my laugh... every once in a while you find yourself in this mini-moment when you look at someone looking back at you and you know 'they really care about me'. Those moments are too far spaced apart.
Sometimes I wonder if anything can ever last forever. Everything ends, everything; so why start? - If failure or death is the only outcome. Easy, you have no choice to avoid it because everything is a freakin decision. Life would be so much easier if people put in the effort to get to know other people. I go out of my way for others, sometimes I feel it's a waste of my time though, especially when it isn't appreciated or even noticed. I beat my brains out for you people sometimes, trying to get the slightest reaction from you. I'm a tough person but that doesn't mean I don't feel, I may look perfectly fine but feel nothing on the inside. Truth is I’m uniquely dynamic... I am very sympathetic and at the same time completely ruthless towards people. Manipulative yet humble and yes that is possible. I just can't seem to find someone that understands those quirky characteristics about me and embrace it- not antagonize me. I have so much to say but no one to talk to. And as for this constant ringing in my ear of reminders that I'm not perfect from other imperfect people, you should know your words are hollow. I can't be the version of the person you think I am anymore because you'll always be disappointed because it isn't me, not fully and I can't apologize for that. I want a refreshing new perspective on life and I can't afford to be held back by the past. The only way to clear my head is to move forward.
This may seem random but it has influenced me greatly in the past week; “Here is Gone” by the Goo Goo Dolls. A close friend said it best, “There is always that song that represents a specific time in your life”. Well this is that song for the present. It’s so dead on to every thought in my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eahM-AtpBQI
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
E Pluribus Unum: The Great Debate
So I have been getting questions regarding my political orientation since all of the Presidential campaigning began in 2007. Consequentially it seems, I've been defending my stance on Republican policies and its platform since then. Seeing as how the political hype has settled and post-election anxieties have dwindled some may wonder, “Why continue these pointless debates”? As a political junkie myself, I’ve come to appreciate the intellectual stimulation of a good battle of ideologies and the importance of these discussions to perfect the process of democracy. I encourage all feedback (from both sides of the aisle) because I realize in politics nothing will be accomplished if you aren’t open minded to change. To follow is a list of reasons why I support the Republican cause, keeping in mind that my opinion in this matter is greatly occupied with matters pertaining to Domestic Economic issues (I am much more moderate/left leaning on social issues):
1. I favor Limited Government as opposed to Large Government. Too much Government involvement without question makes things messy, very inefficient and expensive. I believe in the simple role of a Government -- to provide security for its citizens (police, firemen, military...) and basic public works and services i.e. public water, traffic lights, roads, electricity, mass transit ...etc.
2. I am a firm LOW TAXES prick. That goes across the board, yes even corporate taxes. I have no connection with anyone in "corporate America" or any CEOs so don't accuse me of being bias in this case. I'm poor, I am a poor ass Republican but I aspire to be rich one of these days and I want tax policies in place that won't hinder my ascension to success. Basically I think it’s utter crap to penalize a person for achieving success by taxing him/her at higher tax rates. Ergo, yay Fair Tax!
3. The concept of "transferring wealth" or as I like to call it the "Robin Hood Complex" just seems so out of place in Government... which is my point, it's just there for political gain. Who the hell has the right to tell me someone else deserves my hard earned money more than me? I am all for helping the needy but this system in place is completely skued and inefficient. I believe that's a role of the community, of your religious care groups, family, friends, and non-profit organizations; all groups there at your disposal in case you find yourself in a hard place in life. And for all you skeptics who think that's too harsh keep in mind that the Government's effectiveness in carrying out programs like Welfare are far from being anything to be proud of as far as helpfulness to the actual needy and combating fraudulent users.
4. Social Security Reform. The Republican Party is the only party addressing this problem with valid solutions to the problem. Google ‘partial privatizing social security’. It's not perfect but it's a start.
5. Affirmative Action is incredibly insulting to me as a woman. I am offended by the notion that I need a law giving me an advantage over a man, as if I'm incapable of success on my own. I don't mean to sound like a feminist but I don't need an "advantage" to prosper, I can make it on my own merits. It's not the 50s anymore and while I surely don't belittle the women’s rights movement or the Civil Rights movement for that matter (both necessary to the development of equality and tranquility in our society) the laws in place are moot and out dated for the 21st Century.
6. Domestic Security: No terrorist attacks have occurred on US soil since 9/11 thanks to such immense programs as the Bush Administration's monitoring of communications between al-Qaida operatives overseas and their agents in the US and the monitoring of the international movement of terrorist funds- both measures opposed by Democrats.
7. Need for Conservative Supreme Court Justices that will interpret the Constitution in it's 'original meaning' and by that I mean that the Justices represent a judicial philosophy based on what drafters of the Constitution had in mind in 1787; as opposed to a liberal activist judge's loose interpretation. Good example of this is President Bush's appointment of Chief Justice John Roberts and Associate Justice Sam Alito.
8. This hot topic issue of 'Universal Health Care" or a Government run Healthcare program terrifies me, especially during a period of economic turmoil and uncertainty in the Markets. A good rule of thumb though is to understand that nothing in life is free. Keep in mind every promise a politician makes you, will also cost you. You'd think it would go without saying but Universal Healthcare is NOT free Healthcare. The added cost of implementing such a program would cost tax payers across the board and add to growing deficits and an unstable and dangerous national debt.
Original Post : Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 9:48pm Modified: Date marked below
1. I favor Limited Government as opposed to Large Government. Too much Government involvement without question makes things messy, very inefficient and expensive. I believe in the simple role of a Government -- to provide security for its citizens (police, firemen, military...) and basic public works and services i.e. public water, traffic lights, roads, electricity, mass transit ...etc.
2. I am a firm LOW TAXES prick. That goes across the board, yes even corporate taxes. I have no connection with anyone in "corporate America" or any CEOs so don't accuse me of being bias in this case. I'm poor, I am a poor ass Republican but I aspire to be rich one of these days and I want tax policies in place that won't hinder my ascension to success. Basically I think it’s utter crap to penalize a person for achieving success by taxing him/her at higher tax rates. Ergo, yay Fair Tax!
3. The concept of "transferring wealth" or as I like to call it the "Robin Hood Complex" just seems so out of place in Government... which is my point, it's just there for political gain. Who the hell has the right to tell me someone else deserves my hard earned money more than me? I am all for helping the needy but this system in place is completely skued and inefficient. I believe that's a role of the community, of your religious care groups, family, friends, and non-profit organizations; all groups there at your disposal in case you find yourself in a hard place in life. And for all you skeptics who think that's too harsh keep in mind that the Government's effectiveness in carrying out programs like Welfare are far from being anything to be proud of as far as helpfulness to the actual needy and combating fraudulent users.
4. Social Security Reform. The Republican Party is the only party addressing this problem with valid solutions to the problem. Google ‘partial privatizing social security’. It's not perfect but it's a start.
5. Affirmative Action is incredibly insulting to me as a woman. I am offended by the notion that I need a law giving me an advantage over a man, as if I'm incapable of success on my own. I don't mean to sound like a feminist but I don't need an "advantage" to prosper, I can make it on my own merits. It's not the 50s anymore and while I surely don't belittle the women’s rights movement or the Civil Rights movement for that matter (both necessary to the development of equality and tranquility in our society) the laws in place are moot and out dated for the 21st Century.
6. Domestic Security: No terrorist attacks have occurred on US soil since 9/11 thanks to such immense programs as the Bush Administration's monitoring of communications between al-Qaida operatives overseas and their agents in the US and the monitoring of the international movement of terrorist funds- both measures opposed by Democrats.
7. Need for Conservative Supreme Court Justices that will interpret the Constitution in it's 'original meaning' and by that I mean that the Justices represent a judicial philosophy based on what drafters of the Constitution had in mind in 1787; as opposed to a liberal activist judge's loose interpretation. Good example of this is President Bush's appointment of Chief Justice John Roberts and Associate Justice Sam Alito.
8. This hot topic issue of 'Universal Health Care" or a Government run Healthcare program terrifies me, especially during a period of economic turmoil and uncertainty in the Markets. A good rule of thumb though is to understand that nothing in life is free. Keep in mind every promise a politician makes you, will also cost you. You'd think it would go without saying but Universal Healthcare is NOT free Healthcare. The added cost of implementing such a program would cost tax payers across the board and add to growing deficits and an unstable and dangerous national debt.
Original Post : Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 9:48pm Modified: Date marked below
Pay it Forward
Recent events have caused me to think about what really is important in my life, what makes me happy and what the standards I measure all my decisions on are. I have concluded that it's pretty simple: I'm most happy when I am making other people happy. It's like this, I love being around my friends because it's always happy for everyone. Someone makes me laugh, then I make someone else laugh and for that moment everything in the world is perfect. There's no worrying or stressed involved in this exchange. I get such a high from it, because honestly, think about that moment when you are just laughing uncontrollably from your core -- it's as close to a state of utopia as anyone could wish to be in. Same goes for being in love, that deep down warm feeling you get all over just thinking about someone you love instantly makes you happier. So being in a loving relationship where those passionate feelings are mutually shared is pure happiness because each person is happy the other one is happy, and that makes them happy. And being in relationships like these causes everyone who's involved to try their best to make sure everyone else is happy and gets what they deserve (which is only the best). Sure there may be hard times here and there, but a true friend knows when to leave, when to let go, when to apologize, and when to stand by your side... depending on what action will make the other person happy. Even when it comes to my jobs I can see why I enjoy then so much compared to older ones because now I am interacting with people, helping them find perfect gifts to give to their favorite people in the world. It's like this never ending happiness cycle, not sure why... I just feel most accomplished when I know I’m making a difference in someone's life, big or small. Even if it’s just making someone smile, or being there to listen to someone - you would not believe how many people out there are dying to talk to someone and who just need someone to listen. My standards are basically the same (and yours should be too), life is too short to be around people who make you feel bad. I am a very forgiving person but that doesn't mean I forget bad things people have done to me. For every mean spirited word someone has spoken to me it's hindered my relationship with that person. Trust is hard to build up but the easiest thing to take away. Be careful with your words, they can pierce through someone's heart with more force and less effort than with a blade. Likewise the scar it leaves behind will always stay with that person, and regret like that can eat you up inside.
If you stay positive and try to be the best possible version of yourself to everyone you meet life will be so much more rewarding and enjoyable, not only to you but everyone around you. If you get in a slump the ultimate comeback is to focus on what makes you happy in life. Good things will follow a happy heart with nothing but good intentions. Life is good.
Original Post : Friday, June 20, 2008 at 12:27am
If you stay positive and try to be the best possible version of yourself to everyone you meet life will be so much more rewarding and enjoyable, not only to you but everyone around you. If you get in a slump the ultimate comeback is to focus on what makes you happy in life. Good things will follow a happy heart with nothing but good intentions. Life is good.
Original Post : Friday, June 20, 2008 at 12:27am
Overcoming Mundane Anxiety
Now more than ever I feel that coming of age is so much more than merely growing older. Coming of age is not measured by any particular amount of breaths we take; it is measured perhaps by the amount of life's glories and short comings we experience. It's absolutely confounding that you can know someone your entire life yet never fully grasp the person they are. Friendships can be broken in a matter of seconds and stay that way for unbearable amounts of time because of petty arguments and meaningless emotions that can simply be reduced to a completely unfortunate series of events that reflect only our complete abandonment of logic and reason. Years of friendship and love are simply made void because of carelessness. Even worse, relationships can die before either party realizes it. Secret lies just buried under false pretenses and layered by years of negligence that get caught up in a repetitious cycle that cannot be broken- just because. It's just there. You don't speak of it for it's of a taboo nature and we cannot create controversy, God forbid. I've often wondered why we, people in general, are afraid of being alone. I know I can't be the only one. You can be in the most wonderful affair with every desire you could have ever asked for and yet in the stillness of the night fear losing it all. Why? Do the relationships we encounter define who we are? And why is the doubt even there in the first place? Are we such restless souls that we stoop to torture ourselves over trivial things that have yet to go wrong? All I can do is hope for the best and stay true to myself no matter what hardships I find myself facing in the future.
I've been brainwashed into believing that in group settings you are only as good as your weakest link, now I can't help but wonder if the same can be applied to individuals. If so, as soon as you go down that road of thought when you seek out your weakest quality it pretty much always ends badly. Once you've targeted the weakest quality or more realistically your weakest qualities you have to figure out how to fix them. And all that accomplishes is an endless cycle of new year’s resolutions that slowly begin improving, sort of, and shelves full of half read self improvement books you keeping putting off because you tell yourself you have no time, when in truth it’s because you know they don't fix the problem. I think it’s a lot easier than we make it out to be. There is only a certain amount of knowledge we can learn through reading about life, issues, and theories. You have to experience the failures, heart breaks, and losses in life to appreciate all the good stuff you find yourself blessed with throughout a lifetime. Life has an ironic way of letting you know you're still living- if that makes any sense. I guess the only way to go about it is to dive head first into the unknown and pray for mercy. All you can do if you fail is count your losses and start again.
Original Post : Saturday, August 18, 2007 at 12:46am
I've been brainwashed into believing that in group settings you are only as good as your weakest link, now I can't help but wonder if the same can be applied to individuals. If so, as soon as you go down that road of thought when you seek out your weakest quality it pretty much always ends badly. Once you've targeted the weakest quality or more realistically your weakest qualities you have to figure out how to fix them. And all that accomplishes is an endless cycle of new year’s resolutions that slowly begin improving, sort of, and shelves full of half read self improvement books you keeping putting off because you tell yourself you have no time, when in truth it’s because you know they don't fix the problem. I think it’s a lot easier than we make it out to be. There is only a certain amount of knowledge we can learn through reading about life, issues, and theories. You have to experience the failures, heart breaks, and losses in life to appreciate all the good stuff you find yourself blessed with throughout a lifetime. Life has an ironic way of letting you know you're still living- if that makes any sense. I guess the only way to go about it is to dive head first into the unknown and pray for mercy. All you can do if you fail is count your losses and start again.
Original Post : Saturday, August 18, 2007 at 12:46am
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)