Somewhere in early 2012 I stopped being boy crazy. How do I know this? Because I stopped blogging about them. In fact, it was the Spring right before I decided to go steady with my now boyfriend. I called that one Relationship Filibuster. Total cheese ball.
I really do wear my heart on my sleeve. And it isn't exclusive to relationships, I do the same at work. ...I was trying to come up with some sort of metaphor that related promotions to dating, but that would equate to like marriage, and no one stays with a company their whole life anymore. Ironically still (and call me a romantic), I'm a big fan of the married for life philosophy.
As a child of divorce of course I'm careful about taking vows and that's not a bad thing. Patience is a virtual and right now I'm just practicing–ha! Recently a coworker sent me a link with stats on Millennials (roughly 18-34 year olds) and only 4% of that group are married with children and own their own home. That was suppose to be a shocking stat, but is it really?
Weddings are ridiculously expensive and I don't trust people that own homes in their twenties. What witchcraft are you into?
We are a generation that believes in planning and saving. We discuss stuff like paying off debts, children's college funds and our parent's debt we could potentially assume–before moving in with each other–you know, to our overpriced one bedroom apartment that isn't even in DC proper, le sighhhh. It's the only place that allows dogs over 50lbs.
In case you haven't picked up on this, I speak in broad generalizations that aren't generalizations at all. It's me. Very specifically me.
It's a constant struggle between third and first person. This is why I don't do Comms.
So marriage is romantic, but work commitments are a jail sentence? Let me break it down. Weddings are romantic, marriage is hard work. Starting a new job is exciting, staying at your job is hard work. The whole concept of 'settling down' is the sticking point for me and I would venture to assume the same goes for my Millennial counterparts.
I just haven't found The One job that's right for me, but there's the dream of something else*. I feel like every one of my job breakups have amounted to something like this: *https://youtu.be/DKJgj5O0V7w
Cue my You've Got Mail obsession.
This is the part where I point out that I'm not married. My family reminds me every time I go home. When are you going to get married and give me a grand baby? I'm always more excited to talk about my latest project at work or on the side. They could not care less. Yea yea that's nice, so how's Kevin?
They aren't judge-y or anything, just extremely anxious. My 21 year old sister got married this past December, but somehow the lineage questions still falls on my plate? Amy, I love you, if you read this no offense at all just please have a baby. See my sister, is not one of those young brides. She gets it. Her and her hubby are perfect for each other. High school sweethearts. Soul mates if you will. She trusts love and commitment. I on the other hand do not, I only trust myself.
I trust myself not to fuck anything up. Not to cheat. Not to get the client pitch wrong. Not to get screwed over in a business deal. Not to roll over. Not to run out of money. Not to give up on myself. Not to get pregnant.
You see, I have trust issues.
Or, maybe it's control issues, either way I see the worst in people at a higher frequency than the good. I'm a skeptic of life. You want to do something nice for me? What's in it for you? I must read the fine print before committing. Oh I can have a raise 6 months from now? ...Homes, this ain't my first rodeo.
The good news is by wandering around making a ton of mistakes I've happened upon my constant and the one person that balances me out, Kev. We've been together for 3 1/2 years now for a reason, he embodies everything that I clearly lack: Trust, unconditional love, great taste in music, selflessness and can't-breathe-so-funny-humor. BONUS: completely different than all my other beaus.
I don't have a "type." It's cheap to try to categorize the men I've seen. They generally make me feel good about myself until they don't. I was always moving the goal post. And, as you all know, when the metrics are changed without being clearly communicated process breakdown occurs, people get frustrated and dissatisfied, people want to move on to other opportunities. They quit.
The business of heartache is so stupid. If I could go back and still retain the collective knowledge I've amassed over the years I would have never dated anyone and focused all my time on getting into a better undergraduate program, preferably Ivy League and taken on more jobs.
But what is a life without love? Fucking miserable that's what. I am lucky to have had those experiences over the years. However much I hate them now they made me a better coworker, neighborhood, girlfriend and boss.
I traded in my Cosmo magazines for the Harvard Business Review because I don't care about mastering the 30 technics to pleasuring my man as prescribed by some liberal arts major. I'm confident in me, boo. I've got a liberal arts degree too. SEC baby!
But what makes me stop and appreciate my growth, is that now all my heartache is associated in professional settings. I don't cry about boys anymore and that fact alone is monumental to me. I do cry–Oh my god do I cry–home alone and self shaming-mad-at-myself sobbing that I can't change work place situations or more generally the World. But I don't give up, I double down. It's so easy to break up with someone, it's so easy to quit your job. It is not easy to make a relationship work, a marriage work, a partnership work, a contract work.
I still listen to the same love songs when I write my blog posts. It's just I'm more in love with fulfilling a destiny than finding The One. I find the same inspiration from Maroon 5 now that I did when I was in high school and in love with a boy that never returned the sentiment.
Priorities change ladies. Rejection is good--it prepares you for job interviews, salary negotiations and stakeholder review meetings. I don't know about you, but being rejected made me the strong person I am today. Nothing could possibly shake me as much as the first time a boy broke up with me. I was 16. Not until the time I found out my boyfriend cheated on me when I was 21. Overshadowed still when I realized I was working for a scumbag when I was 23.
So what's waiting for me in the future? I don't know, but come at me bros.
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